Launch Day

It’s not all mahogony and cavier here at the ivory towered headquarters of launchday inc. we do occassionaly venture outside – blinking, wrinkled and pasty white, but outside nonetheless – to do something silly, like ride a bike.

for those of you unfortunate enough to get stuck on a ride with me, you know that basically everyone is faster than me. I was recently “dropped” by an eight year old. I get “dropped” all the time by the local 13-year-old, so often that I’ve stopped even noticing or thinking about it. It’s just the norm. Getting dropped is the norm. Just wait at the top if you’re so inclined, I’ll get there. Last place is my natural position on a bike. I don’t like not being last place. It stresses me out.

And I started thinking about the brain chemistry of this.

When not in last place, I tend to find the brain chemistry displeasing. Who’s behind me, are they ticked off, are they maybe depressed about it, or worse are they gaining, how about that awkward moment when they pass me, then it’s my turn to get kind of ticked off, or maybe depressed about it, and wonder if these are my declining years, or if my legs are too short, or wonder why im such a lousy “descender”, or im too fat (which is a fact) or maybe I just need to ride more, should I be doing interval training, get some power cranks, blah blah blah. it’s a myriad of unhappy thoughts. Why not just ride the bike? And you know where you can do that in peace and quiet? Last place.

In last place you’re just chillin. Noones watching you to see if you get up the hill (I wont) or over the rock (I might). In first place, its all work, work work. It’s for the athletically gifted. Last place is for the guy that rides his bike, does what he can, tries to get some sun and not get killed by a car or bear. It’s for the guy that can ride up to the group that’s waiting, smile and give a big “everybody good? ok im going to keep chugging along if you dont mind so i dont cramp” and keep chugging along.

Anyways I had something more to say about it but i’ve forgotten what it was. Something about brain chemistry. Thanks for listening.

i wasn’t sure if we lived in a consumer society, also i went shopping for a new pair of shoes. my feet tend to hurt (and my head – god, my head) and i like nike airs because they are bouncy on my heels. but I was not sure what model to buy. here were the nike air choices I had –

* Nike Air Max IVO
* Nike Air Max Compete TR
* Nike Air Max Tailwind 6
* Nike Air Max +2013
* Nike Air Max Cage
* Nike Air Max Run Lite 5
* Nike Air Max Run Lite 4
* Nike Air Max TR 365
* Nike Air Max Fit
* Nike Air Cage Advantage
* Nike Air Max Actualizer II
* Nike Air Max Fusion
* Nike Air Max Tailwind+ 5
* Nike Air Max Defy Run
* Nike Air Max Thea
* Nike Air Max Light Essential
* Nike Air Alvord 10
* Nike Air Futurun 2
* Nike SB Air Alder Low
* Nike SB Air Alder Mid
* Nike Air Relentless 3
* Nike Golf Air Range WP II
* Nike Air Huarache 2kFresh
* Nike SB Air Alder Mid OMS ERDL
* Nike Air Pegasus+ 30
* Nike Air Experience Slide
* Nike Air One TR
* Nike Air Vapor Advantage
* Nike Air Relentless 2
* Nike Air Leader Low
* Nike Air Waffle Trainer
* Nike Air Pegasus 83 Leather
* Nike Air Pegasus 83
* Nike Air Monarch IV
* Nike Air Visi Pro IV
* Nike Air Cage Court
* Nike Air Diamond Trainer
* Nike Air Max Torch 4
* Nike Air SpeedLax 4 Turf
* Nike Air Visi Pro IV – Nubuck
* Nike Air Max 90 Premium
* Nike Air Max 90 Premium Tape
* Nike Air Max Lunar90
* Nike Air Max 90
* Nike Air Force 1
* Nike Air Force 1 Low
* Nike Air Max 1
* Nike Air MVP Elite 3/4 Metal
* Nike Air Force 1 Hight GUMBO
* Nike Air Force 1 Low GUMBO
* Nike Air Max 95 Premium Tape
* Nike Air Force 1 High 1
* Nike Air Revolution Sky Hi
* Nike Air Max 1 Premium Tape
* Nike Air Jordan 1 Mid
* Nike Air Jordan Alpha 1
* Nike Air Pegasus 30 Shield Trail
* Nike Air Huarache Pro
* Nike Air Huarache Pro Mid
* Nike Air Huarache Pro Mid MCS
* Nike Air Huarache Pro Low
* Nike Air Huarache Pro Low MCS
* Nike Air MVP Elite 3/4 MCS
* Nike Air Revolution Sky Hi Liberty
* Nike Air Force 1 SRM Max Air NPCE
* Nike Air Force 1 Duckboot
* Nike Air Penny V Camo
* Nike Air Jordan XX8 SE
* Nike Air Force 1 Low CMFT
* Nike Air Force 1 Downtown Hi
* Nike Air Force 1 Downtown
* Nike Air Force 1 High Comfort Premium RW
* Nike Air Trainer 1 Mid Premium
* Nike Air Max 1 Liberty OG QS

So I think it’s pretty obvious – I went with the Nike Air Monarch IV’s. Duh. Black on black. Cool kicks.

though i was pretty tempted by the ‘waffle trainer’ because they had the word waffle in them but as i am a motherbleeping waffle PRO i didn’t like the waffle “trainer” status. maybe next time.

Also the Air Max Torch 4 had sweet orange laces.

i should ask the people living in the landfill what model holds up the best. they’ll totally know.

Thank you America, good night.

“I Sold This Horse For That Guy’s Kingdom”
A lighthearted comedy romp about a clumsy ne’er-do-well that makes an instant fortune when he encounters the trade of a lifetime.

“At Least I Got Soul”
A young, mischevious devil with an impulsive gambling problem gives away a generation of the world’s wealth, power and secrets in return for a single human soul. He spends decades in depressed regret.

“A Pound of WHAT?”
Shakesperean schemer Shylock learns that hell hath no fury like a woman scorned when he tries to explain to his wife that he issued a large, high-risk loan in exchange for a pound of human flesh offered as security. (“What am I supposed to do with that, make soap?” derides the wife. She leaves him. His cousin offers a package of bacon in return for a mortgage.)

These are my literary sequels that never got written. Thank you good night.

Here at launchday our interests waffle between “dumb” and “dumber.” You do it long enough though and eventually youre bound to hit pure gold every once in a while. This is not one of those times. This is, however, something we wag our fingers in the air and say i DARE YOU to try this. This is your inner english major coming out to play. We’ve invented a new poetic form, the bastard child of haiku and the petrarchan sonnet. it is something we call:

Bipolar Twins / Ten Lines

that’s pronounced “bipolar twins, ten lines.”

Here’s the deal. Take two topics, basically opposites. (ie the “bipolar” in its namesake). stick with me – two words per line, each pair of lines forms a twin (ie, the “twins”). 10 lines total (uh “ten lines”). each line takes a turn addressing one of the topics. and here’s where it gets screwy – the FIRST letter of each line’s SECOND WORD has to be the first letter of the the next line’s first word. you’ll thank me for this when you’re reading them out loud. as if you’ll ever read them out loud. oh then the last line has to prompt the first line. that’s it, those are the rules.

it’s not nearly as complicated as it sounds. Here’s an example. And by “example” of course I mean the BEST ONE EVER WRITTEN.

Let’s call it “Wild / Man Made” – ok so you get the opposites. “wild” … verses … “man made.” not difficult. ok. (now shhhh. just – shhhhh. still yourself.) ok lets go – slowly — roll them over your tongue and let the brain visuals come after each line-

Coyote howl
Homeland security
Sugar pines
Price inflation
Infinite galaxies
Game Over
Oceans. Arid.
Affordable Care

boom thats it DONE bam. that was masterful. did you get visuals in your brain after each line? the distortions on the brain chemistry each line brought? what? anyone?

i hope so.

go ahead, try it. go write one. it’ll take you five minutes. or it could take you the rest of your life.

Everyone, I invented a new sport. I’m calling it – ‘walking’.

You put on shoes and then you go out your front door and you go somewhere.

I’m inventing it as part of my grass roots campaign to help us find the cause of obesity.

Unfortunately it requires a lot of fancy new equipment, like feet.

Compare this to kayaking – or better, cycling: which requires a relatively easy to obtain wardrobe – specialty shoes, specialty shorts (called a ‘bib’ and boy did I feel embarrassed at the group ride when i learned it didn’t mean my baby’s meal bib), specialty shirt (called ‘kit’), specialty hat (called ‘helmet’), swerving in and out of 3,000 pound metal bombs travelling at 50 mph a foot off your shoulder (called ‘cars’). Estimated cost of entry: $12,000. And that’s before you buy the bike. And do it long enough, and you’ll start to notice that everyone knows at least one person that has died a sudden and unexpected death doing it. (And btw we at launchday inc love cycling.)

But compare this to my new invented sport, ‘walking’. Like I said, unfortunately it requires feet. And then when you walk out your door it requires miles of this specialty roadway called a ‘sidewalk’. Fortunately they’re everywhere. And if you do it long enough, you’ll notice lots of others doing it too (sort of), and noone – noone – knows anyone that has ever died doing it.

I think it’s big elsewhere in the world but hasn’t quite caught on here. Just you wait.

Maybe while I”m at it I’ll invent, in contrast to a ‘bike shop,’ a ‘walk shop’. Here you can buy everything needed for this exciting new sport. It will sell – nothing. I’m still working on the business plan.

While you’re outside, there may be distractions. You may encounter the sound of leaves crunching underfoot. You may wish to venture down a dirt trail. Strangely this will not require a tire or bike change.

You may wish to view a few trees. Or perhaps take the children. That, too will cost – nothing. Strange, I know.

Evolutionary development is a funny thing. We’ve evolved, as bipedal locomoting humans, a breathtaking efficiency for this thing called ‘walking.’ It’s staggering as well at how young an age we seem to grasp its mechanics. Plus it seems to serve us throughout our lives.

I realize it’s far more engaging to buy kayaks, road bikes, mountain bikes, water boards, surf boards, flippers, racks, motorcycles, and helmets, and that those things sell far more magazine subscriptions, documenataries, industry trade shows, REI stores and professional practitioners.

But before you shell out johnny’s college tuition on the outdoor industry’s latest whatever, consider – just consider – going for a walk first.

It’s an exciting new sport. And it’s gonna be huge.

New game today kids. It’s called “Name That People Group!” It’s a sad little tale. Let’s begin. Names have been changed to protect identities (but don’t worry there’s a big payoff at the end if you make it that far).

The Setup:
“People Group A” moved to Location L, build Places To Live P, and forced “People Group B” to live in those places they built. That’s the setup.

that’s a lot of letters. Still with me?

People Group B didn’t fare so well at their new digs. Let’s review how they fared:

* More than half of the children born died before making it to 5

* Deaths exceeded births

* More than a third of babies born were born dead

Very sad, eh? Well why didn’t they get up and leave? Couldn’t!

* Missing a “meeting:” punishment was being stripped, put in stocks, five to ten whippings. Friends, family and children forced to watch

* Running away: fifty lashes

* Praying to the wrong guy: fifty lashes

* 40% tried to escape. Top reasons given by them: hunger, starvation, punishment, sickness, death of a loved one, or “I wanted to go home.”

Bummer! Let’s keep going and see how they scored in health care:

* Tuberculosis, pneumonia, diphtheria, measles killed thousands.

* Number of doctors available: 1

Not looking too good! Death by starvation, disease, punishments, and war. Let’s see how the girls did.

* Rapes – the second leading cause of death was syphilis

* People Group B babies routinely strangled by their mothers if the father was People Group A rapist

Yuck! Let’s see what the administrators of these fun little places to live had to say:

“The treatment shown to the is the most cruel I have ever seen in history. For the slightest things they receive heavy flogging, are shackled, and put in the stocks, and treated with so much cruelty that they are kept whole days without a drink of water.”

Bummer!

Another:

“There are so many deaths, and few births.” On their outlook: “Sickness is always with us, and I fear it is the end for the race.”

Oh, and that’s just the stuff fit to print. It gets worse for People Group B once People Group C shows up! But we’ll skip that. But let’s find out who they were. First of all, the “places” – concentration camps? Nope! Internment camps? Nope! Gulag? Nope! Prisons?? Ha ha nope! They were catholic missions! Built to help People Group B find Jesus! That’s right – churches!

Here’s what A’s main dude had to say:

“We came here for the single purpose of doing them good and for their eternal salvation, and I feel that everyone knows we love them.”

Yeah, sounds like it. Love hurts, huh.

Ok, but thank heavens this happened way far away, right? Like somewhere completely backwater – Spain, maybe. Australia. Right? Nope! California! The above speaker was none other than Father Junipero Serra, which for anyone that grew up around here knows, hey he’s a famous guy, streets named after him in the OC, all that good stuff. California Missions! Why, we all had to make little models of them in grade school. Mission San Gabriel is just a stone’s throw from my own front door. Mission Santa Barbara, just up the freeway. Mission San Diego, just down the freeway. Btw Mission San Diego was a fun place – before he was clubbed to death, one of its administrators, Father Jayme, had this complaint to file about the sport of roping and raping women:

“Many times they have come here to kill us all because soldiers went into their villages and raped their women … I feel very deeply about the fact that what the devil does not accomplish among the pagans, Christians will accomplish.”

Good times, no? Sounds lovely. The mission in my own back yard, Mission San Gabriel, that must have been a much better place. Nope! Unfortunately there was so much baby killing, one of the administrators tried to stop it. He took one of the moms, “having her head shaved, having her whipped daily for fifteen days, having her feet bound in irons for three months, and having her appear every Sunday in church at the alter with a hideously painted wooden child in her arms.” Pretty crummy church, huh. I’d think about finding a different moms’ support group if I was that lady.

And who were People Group B? California Indians! Chumash, Miwok, Modoc, and the like. You’ve never heard of them but – they did know their conifers. (Different story.)

I thought all this was very sad. It just goes to show – everyone needs Jesus – particularly the folks on the church payrolls.

Hey look, it’s Sunday today. Church day for some. I wonder what the big guy upstairs thought about those spanish missions. I wonder what he’d think of your mission? Or mine.

Source: “Digger: The tragic fate of the California Indians from the missions to the gold rush”, Jerry Stanley

Ok guy(s), honesty time. I’m a map dork. I dig ’em. It’s a good time to be alive – all the info you can ever imagine, all there for the taking, much of it in snazzy maps. For absolutely no reason, here’s an inventory of some of my favorite maps.

First off, Tom Harrison maps are cool. They’re about 10 bucks and tell you the good stuff – trails, campsites, mileages, fire roads. A couple of the ones I have are for the southerly bits of the sierra –

South Sierra Wilderness Trail Map – This is the area directly south of the Golden Trout Wilderness. Includes key sections like Kennedy Meadows and Monache Meadow. When your up on the Kern plateau these are good things – there’s not too many ways in from this side. The beautiful and rugged Sherman Pass Road gets you up there.

Golden Trout Wilderness Trail Map. Also a great map. Bordered by the 395 and Owens Valley on the far east. South Fork of the Kern as you move west, with John Muir Wilderness at the north. The beautiful Kern River runs down the middle. Then as you move more towards the west, the Great Western Divide. With Camp Nelson on the far west, where there be some fine mountain biking I’m told. I’d like to get my butt up there to Camp Nelson one of these days. The “wilderness” designation takes over farther east, meaning “no wheels,” so bring your walking shoes for that area.

One of my favorite maps isn’t a Tom Harrison, but it’s by the excellent folks at Extremeline (go buy their books like Mountain Biking in Mammoth & The Eastern Sierra. Just do it. The Eastern Sierras will open up to you in new ways, for those of you into such things). The map’s called “The Kern River Sierra Outdoor Recreation Topo Map” and I can stare at it for disturbingly long lengths of time. It’s got that whole area up there, w/ all the mountain biking trails. Basically as far south as the Piute Mountains (home of the extremely rare Piute Cypress I might add, a conifer occurring nowhere else on our great big green globe called earth) and Havilah (once the county seat of Kern you might not know, before that bustling cosmopolitan metropolis we’ve come to know and love as Bakersfield took over the honor; Havilah was named after wishful thinking miners dreaming of Havilah’s gold in the Old Testament hah fat chance). Extending as far north as Yellowjacket Mountain, which is basically just north of Kernville. If you’ve been to Kernville you know Yellowjacket Mtn- it’s the massive granite slab off in the distance up river looking down on the Kern. The map has Isabella Lake (now puddle) in the middle. Greenhorn Mountains to the west w/ their lovely Just Outstanding mountain bike trail, and the delightful Cannel Trail mtn bike trail rims the east side on the plateau. Great map.

And of course the amazingly awesome Sequoia National Forest including Giant Sequoia National Monument map put out by the kind folks at the US Forest Service Department of Agriculture. This map is nearly taller than I am. They have this map on display in a giant glass case outside the ranger station in Kernville, and I tracked it down at the local James Store and picked up a copy with a deep and abiding glee. I won’t even try to describe it. It’s just awesome. I’ve got a dozen or so of the 7.5 minute quadrangle topo maps of the area up there, and this beast combines all those and zooms out a few thousand feet and just gives you the good and big bits. It’s a delightful way to spend an afternoon, and I gaze at it longingly planning many great trips I will never do. (Btw “gaze it it longingly” is the creepiest phrase I can drum up.)

There you go folks. Don’t say I never told you nuthin. Now go outside and play, and maybe take a map w/ you.